May 14th. 9pm
It seems like almost everyday that I find myself dancing around the subject of you. Ill wonder what your doing or who your with. How your day is going and what your thoughts and feelings are. The fact that my mind wont keep the thoughts of you away, or the fact that every night my mind slips into a black hole is chilling and numbing. I hate the lonely feeling and I despise the thought that you just might be over me.
The words you used to say to me still linger in my head. Like a carousel they come around again and again, always asking ,”True or false”? Am I a stupid girl for still wanting to be with you? Or is it just stupid of me to still have that glimmer of hope, that knowing, that someday we just might work out?
April 9th
The darkness and the numb feeling start to enclose me and I can just barely start to feel the stinging tears rising into my eyes. I dont want to call it depression because almost 30 days ago iv already been through that. But the feeling is similar and almost familiar so I leave it at nameless. You cant escape it and its not worth trying. Id rather just sit here in thought and revel in it…
My thoughts are the ones people capture on p aper with old ink, lock in a bottle, and cast into the ocean never to be read or spoke of again. I feel the same pain I once gave him. I feel my heart being tore from my soul, once connected and inunison with all my feelings for him. Now, I cant stop myself from thinking I did a great job fucking that one up, and also my thoughts float to his mind and what he can possibly be thinking of me at this point. We both know that things are not the same and I know for myself that I miss how they once were.
I miss my best friends also. I hate not having been able to be with them a few times a week. The laughs and the jokes. The rude comments about other girls or hot boys. The gossip and drama that keeps life interesting. The truth and the trust, the bond that true friendship has.
My thoughts also lead to my parents and what i never really had with them. never being close. Being the oldest and almost having to grow up early. Being kicked out of my house for the first time when I was fourteen. Its enver been a trusting relationship and so none of us have ever really put time and emotion into it. Somehow I still manage to miss what I havnt had. Trust with someone older, someone with knowledge to confide in. Someone to burry my head into and sob for no aparent reason. People who encourage me in whatever I am currently involved in doing, no matter what it might be. That is something I never had. It is the somethign I long for the most. And possibly someday what I can give to my own…
The thoughts in my head are always revolving around and trying to understand and wrap around the idea of something higher. Something greater then this world. A calling, a spirit, a God? I know what exist’s out there, past all things earthly. Iv experianced it before. The high, the sensation of never being able to come down from an invincible yet very weak feeling or relationship. Immortals can do that to you, you know. That feelings gone. When I catch a glimpse of it I try to go back but its almost useless. I cant do it on my own and its sad to think that only a weekend teen getaway or a camp can fix that.
Of course most of these thoughts are selfish you’d think, and yes that thought has crossed my mind to. Confussion is a hard state to be in. At the same time its quite simple since you dont have to do a lot. All you really have to do is sit there in self pitty and write pointless paragraphs that no one else ever reads anyways…
Drained
This feeling is becoming comptorbly normal. Is that a bad thing? That drained feeling that cant be filled. The feeling where my eyes just hang with dark bags, lifeless, and wondering. Wondering what exactly happend and who to believe? Why your choosing to believe what you are. You chose the lie that ruined us, or what I thought was us…Its a funny feeling, wonder how long it will last…
